Bullying: Scars of Soul

October is National Bullying Prevention Month. 

I want to share my story and insights on a BIG problem that's not only affected many lives throughout history but is still widespread today.

At around eight or nine years of age, I became a victim of bullying, commonly known as "teasing" back then.

The phrase "boys will be boys" was often used to excuse my bully's behavior. Did it mean boys were entitled to unacceptable behavior because they were boys? Did "boys will be boys" justify schoolyard bullying? 

In hindsight, I see a double standard: Depending on who you were, unacceptable behavior got swept under the rug, brushed off, and seen as "trivial." Consequently, the abuse continued at the expense of my positive school life experience and, no doubt, the lives of others who fell prey to bullying. 

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me." I'd recite this popular childhood rhyme to myself as I hurried past my tormentors in the schoolyard—the snickers of bystanders echoing behind me while "stink bomb, you're ugly, you're stupid" pierced through the air and landed blows that shook me to the core. 

What a myth I fed myself as a child—that sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me, a weak coping mechanism, at best, to likely lessen the sting of my bully's words. 

Hateful words hurt. They have power. They are forceful and convincing. They penetrate the heart, mind, and soul and have long-lasting effects.

While my bullies may not have hurt me physically by throwing sticks and stones, their horrific words oozed into my identity, leaving an indelible imprint on my soul and changing how I viewed myself and others. At the most tender and vulnerable time, my bullies' incessant name-calling stripped away my self-esteem.

Yet, I had the resolve and grit to rise above. And as an adult, I thought I'd done just that: rose above. I thought I'd dismissed the scars from my bully's name-calling. As far as I was concerned, bullying happened to me as a kid; therefore, it was just a part of growing up. 

Nothing could have been further from the truth.  

Years later, circumstances forced me to sift through the scar tissue of my youth. Although other factors played a part in my emotional wounds, addressing, acknowledging, and grieving the immense scars of the soul from my bullies contributed to a pivotal role in my healing journey.  

 

It stands to reason why condescending tones often sent off triggers, where I'd become that little girl back in the schoolyard again. Scared. Wounded. Angry. Hurt. Afraid.

It stands to reason why I became a people pleaser, perfectionist, and workaholic: to prove my worth.

You may be reading this thinking: This resonates with me. It's my story, too!

If so, please know this. Scars don't vanish. Wounds that don't get treated don't heal because we've moved on as adults. Healing can only begin when we face the scars and confront them for what they are. (Bear in mind that we may need professional help to face our deepest scares.) 

 

Bullies, and even bystanders, have no idea how bullying affects the victim. They have no idea the daily havoc their words and actions play on our psyche and influence our lives for years to come. 

Why do bullies bully? 

 

In my understanding, bullies bully because they act out of insecurity to gain personal power at the expense of the weaker and most vulnerable. Some bullies may have been victims of bullying themselves, so they feed off the power they get from their bystanders' laughter of approval. It's a short-lived adrenaline fix where the "bullier" thinks they've turned the tables on their own pain. 

Who is a target for bullying? 

Anyone can be a target of bullying, but more so for those who are different. In my case, living in a small town where everyone knew my family was poor, my bullies saw me as "less than," someone who didn't fit the "norm." An easy target to exploit. 

I'm not letting myself off the hook here. I've also hurt others with my words, often with a knee-jerk response because I felt attacked.

 "Hurting people hurt people," this I know. And I never want my grandkids to feel the pain that haunted me. 

But it's inevitable that my three grandsons (one with autism), raised by two moms, will be an easier target than most for bullying. The two oldest have already felt the bully's sting, and I fear it will only get worse, especially in this new politically charged environment of evolving distrust and hate.

By sharing my experience, I hope it will not only help others tell their story but also shed light on what's still so prevalent in our society/schools today: face-to-face bullying and cyberbullying. 

Because even though there's much more awareness than when I was a kid, bullying isn't limited to schoolyards. At least when the school bell rang to end my day, I could escape from my bullies. 

Today, internet technology has fostered an environment that has given birth to cyberbullying, extending bullying beyond the schoolyard 24/7. 

Cyberbullying (in many ways) is even scarier than face-to-face bullying since it's the most well-hidden way for a bully to sit behind a screen and taunt others with their words, mainly affecting young youth and adolescents, making them feel alone and unworthy. Sadly, some even take their own life. 

Bottom line: We need to be fully present, fully invested, in our children and not dismiss bullying as "just a part of growing up" because—whether it was back in my day or the present day—bullying isn't a natural part of childhood; bullying is a painful and traumatic experience, with long-lasting scars that can affect the victim's development, learning skills, and self-esteem, leading to anxiety, depression, and feelings of shame. (Teasing isn't teasing if it causes harm.)

As a society, let's stand together and be a voice for the voiceless. Despite our views and differences, let's treat others how we want to be treated. 

If we can do this, I have faith that the environment promoting bullying will begin to lift like fog, and our children will have a more inclusive, brighter future. 

Thank you.