You are in tears, sharing a painful experience with a friend; she consoles you and utters the words, "everything happens for a reason."
Admittedly, you know your friend is being genuine. You know she has your best interest at heart. But you don't feel it at that moment — instead, you feel a little annoyed and dumbfounded. You think, "What possible reason would justify this shroud of darkness?"
Everything happens for a reason is a common cliché used among Christians and non-Christians. It can be an inspiring catchphrase if the timing and context are right. But in my experience, more often than not, it's used out of context.
So why is this cliché (and so many others) thrown around so loosely, especially in the face of grief and human suffering?
To be fair: People mean well. I don't think anyone's motive is to add confusion to one's suffering. Many are ill-prepared to deal with grief and loss — to deal with the discomfort of others' pain, of the awkward silence grief can present. So they fumble on what to say. But more importantly, what not to say. And end up saying clichés such as everything happens for a reason.
I am in no way letting myself off the hook here. I, too, have been guilty of uttering everything happens for a reason without considering how my words might have affected the person on the receiving end. But since working through personal grief and doing extensive research on grief and loss, my views have evolved.
Through healing, with time and distance, I've (slowly) ripped the band-aids off my emotional wounds and taken a deeper look at my scars, bringing a new perspective and awareness to them.
So have I found reasons to use the traumatic events in my life for the greater good? Yes. I've discovered purpose in my pain if you will.
Do I believe my pain happened to produce that purpose? Absolutely not.
On my life's journey, I am reminded that even when I enjoy life to the fullest, others are deep in grief and pain. And so, for me, to insinuate everything happens for a reason is to send out the message that God orchestrates and causes "all" bad things to happen. That it's His will to inflict pain and suffering on His children, that evil doesn't exist, and that He has a divine purpose for every ordeal we face.
Think about it.
For what possible reason would a loving God have for provoking so much injustice and abuse in the world?
For what possible reason would a loving God have for inciting someone to open fire on innocent people?
For what possible reason would a loving God have for someone being sexually abused?
For what possible reason would a loving God have for causing someone to get cancer?
Unfortunately, we live in a fallen world where terrible events continue to inflict pain. And whether we believe everything happens for a reason or not, we must handle it with care. The most crucial consideration should be how the person on the receiving end will interpret the words we say, bearing in mind that sometimes there is no justification or logical explanation for why certain things happen.
But as believers, we can take comfort that our pain isn't meaningless because of the Cross. We can rest assured that God does see the bigger picture, that He's there in our grief and suffering, healing those broken places in our hearts so that we can (in time) rise above and become pillars of light and support for others. Nothing is wasted if we place it in God's hands.
